There’s a job going for a director of soft cheese, if you’re interested
Press pause on shoveling Camembert in your mouth for a second and answer this: Are you a true cheese connoisseur?
Are you brie-lliant at judging the quality of a great cheese?
Do you spread yourself thin just so you can taste as many different dairies as possible?
Do you tread Caerphilly when recommending a cheese and wine pairing, because you take the whole thing intensely seriously?
If you answered yes to these questions, read on. There may be a job going for you.
The Department of Dairy-Related Wholesome Affairs (we don’t think that’s a real place either. Stay with us) is on the hunt for people who are dedicated to dairy to fill six positions: minister of milk, director of hard cheese, director of soft cheese, head of butter, chief yoghurt officer, and ice cream cone-oisseur.
The DDRWA has released a video to advertise for the positions, explaining that as long as you’ve got a passion for some area of dairy, there’ll be a job for you.
Now we’ve enjoyed some cheese-based joy, on to the logistics.
These roles are not legitimate, long-term jobs. The Department of Dairy-Related Wholesome Affairs is a creation of The Dairy Market Development Forum, made up of Dairy UK and AHDB, and the roles appear to only last for three months.
The whole campaign, including the video and LinkedIn listings, is intended to get people excited about dairy again, as there’s been a bit of a slump in people loudly professing their love for milk and cheese.
The jobs are legit for three months, but we’re not sure how much they’ll pay. The LinkedIn ad only mentions a ‘generous package’ with an ‘abundance of dairy-related benefits’ (we’re thinking free cheese).
There’ll be job requirements, though. The roles require an understanding of dairy products, the ability to inspire others to use dairy products, and social media skills.
That last bit’s important – the job listing mentions that for senior roles, including minister of milk and director of cheeses, requires a ‘high social media following’. It doesn’t specify what qualifies as ‘high’, but clearly the company is after someone they can get to advertise dairy products to all their loyal followers.
For some people, that might sound like a dream job. For others, churning out butter content on Instagram could ruin their love for crumpets longterm.
To apply, you’ll need to submit an image to Instagram that celebrates the ‘joy of dairy’, along with a paragraph no longer than 200 words explaining why they love dairy and tagging @deptofdairywholesomeaffairs and hashtagging #TeamDairy in the copy.
Sounds like a sneaky way to build up social media promo and get everyone ‘gramming their handle, hmm?
Feel free to apply if you’re a budding social influencer with a heart set on promoting the milk machine, but if you’re a dairy enthusiast looking for a steady, longterm income, this may not be the right fit.
Senior role summaries
Minister for Milk
You will be a hard-working individual excited about the joy of cow’s milk, whether it’s of the green, red, blue or gold top variety. You will be expected to leverage your influence to highlight the wholesome joy of milk, and help people rediscover one of dairy’s simple pleasures. If you have a latte love to offer milk, then get applying.
Director of Cheese (Hard)
You can be as mature as cheddar or as joyously young as a creamy Lancashire for this role. Whether pimping up your mac ‘n’ cheese or stuffing your fajitas full of cheesy goodness, you’ll be committed to raising awareness of the unique qualities hard cheese has to offer. Whilst this role is dedicated to hard cheeses, you will need to have the collaborative abilities to do ‘grate’ work with your colleague in the mirror role, Director of Cheese (Soft). Please see below.
Director of Cheese (Soft)
You will have an appreciation for the nuanced challenge of a role that involves educating the public about the joy of soft cheese, from cracker pairings to spreading tactics. Please note that this role is not limited to helping the Department progress in its efforts to celebrate and showcase the wholesome joy of soft cow’s cheese: if you are a fan of soft cheeses made from sheep’s or goat’s milk, then we, as an equal opportunities employer, would also love to hear from you.
Head of Butter
This senior role provides countless opportunities to spread a love of butter across the bread that is Great Britain. You will understand intuitively the challenge in encouraging people to reappraise butter as more than just a cooking and baking ingredient. You will bring fresh ideas and a sense of fun to your team, as well as an incisive strategic streak that will cut through the day-to-day like a knife through, well, you know the rest.
Junior role summaries
Chief Yogurt Officer
You will have a clear understanding of and passion for yogurt, and will not discriminate between frozen and unfrozen versions of this wholesome food. This role will challenge you to take the lid off the yogurt market, mixing consumption experience with flavour fanaticism to encourage people to indulge in a dollop of yogurt goodness.
Ice Cream Cone-oisseur
Whether you’re 7 or 70, there’s no fun more wholesome than a lick of real dairy ice cream. So no age limits here. If you prefer the real thing to a whipped-up imposter, we want to hear from you. You will know all about the latest flavour trends, but you won’t be distracted by gimmicks like sprinkles and sauces (though fans of flakes are encouraged). For you, it’s all about the ice and the cream. And the cone.